I don't lift heavy.

The reason I don't lift heavy is simple, it is uncomplicated.  It is without fuss and muss.  I am not delusional.  Most times I go to the gym to "work out", I am really just going through the motions.  

I am there usually after a 9 or 10 hour day.  Or I am sneaking a quick workout in during my lunch hour, whilst reading a book about parenting on the bike that I am pedaling leisurely. I think that the main problem has been a mindset that if I am not going to have time for a 2.5 or 3 hour work out, I might as well not even bother.  And so therefore the fact that I am in the gym means I should get points just for trying.  Further, I think it takes a lot of discipline, and a lot of nerve and a lot of energy to live heavy.  You spend most of your mental effort convincing yourself that you can do it. For me, it's mostly a matter of holding myself to a standard, and not accepting anything less than that.  It takes a lot of energy and willpower.  

So I had a little "Come to Jesus" talk with myself this week.  There is a fitness room in my building at work.  And I managed one workout this week.  One measly, pathetic workout before work.  What I realized this week is that yes, I would like to have 2-3 hours a day to work out, but I am not a fitness model, nor am I training for an olympic sport.  Millions of Americans manged to stay fit by working out for an hour every day, and that it really is time for me to get off my high horse and walk it off.  

So, I am taking a new approach with fitness:  one hour.  Every day, without fail.  Without excuse, without exception, one hour.  And since it's only one hour, it has to be "balls to the wall" (to use an old indoor soccer term.  No loafing, no half a$$ing it.  Dripping in sweat, aching, WORKing out.  

Today I tried my new philosophy at the gym.  I spent 20 min on the bike, lifted arms and legs.  Did some free weight moves.  And then it came to the lat pull.  This is, without a doubt, no question about it, my least favorite exercise.  

For me, the problem is a self-circling one, where in, I have little upper body strength, so I dont like these kinds of exercises.  I don't like them, so I don't do them.  And thus, continue to have little upper body strength.  So for the last 20 minutes of my workout today, I lifted heavy.  One of my life list items is to do 10 pull-ups.  In a row.  I thought that the lat-pull will eventually help me get there, to the that point, when I am hauling my own body off the ground, up over a bar. 

In that 20 minutes of intentional work, I held myself to a standard and didn't back down.  I was able to convince myself that I can lift heavy.  It was nice to be lost in that moment, coaxing my body through a series of movements that are in an effort to make it stronger.  

This post was originally published at Go Mighty.  

Project WIno: COMPLETE

I have done it!!  I have consumed 12 different wines!!

I had a great time learning about wines.  The suggestions from the Go MIghty community were awesome.  After perusing WineFolly, I printed out the info graphic showing all the different types of wine.  And I have been dutifully marking them off, one by one.  

The great thing about this project is that I have found a couple of wines I really like (Vinho Verde, Pinot Grigio, Reisling) and a couple that I will drink, for the health benefits (Pinot Noir).  Also, since I am, at my heart, cheap about things I don't understand, most of these wines were really affordable.  Like $10-$14 a bottle affordable.  This may change as my wine taste develops.  It just seems ludicrous to start drinking wine and go straight for the expensive stuff.  

The latest installment of Project Wino features a Rioja and  Chardonnay.  The Chardonnay was the store brand from Costco.  Someone bought it and left it at my house.  It's about as good as you would expect from a store-brand white wine (read: not good).  The Rioja was a bit fiestier than I like.  But it will do.  Again, I am not going to get drunk drinking it, but I envision myself drinking more.  

This post was originally published at Go Mighty.  

20 Minutes, Wine, Van Morrison, and my Fountain Pen

I am terrible at taking time out of my day to do things I love.  I don’t know exactly what the problem is… its not like I have a shortage of things I love.  I have compiled a life list that allows me to do the things I love, so one would think that I would have even more motivation to do these things, like workout more, write, blog, travel, craft, cook, etc.  My guess is that I just have a really hard time finding a decent work-life balance.  

After working an 10 or 11 hour day, scooping up my boy, running errands, cooking dinner, and getting a load of laundry in, I should feel like it’s time that I do something I want to do.  But most of the time, I end up wasting little 20 minute blocks of time I do get, when my husband is giving the boy a bath, with things like surfing the internet, laying out clothes for tomorrow, etc.  

Last night, rather than doing these things, I sat down intentionally with a glass of wine and Van Morrison on Pandora.  One of my life list items is to fill a blank notebook with recipes.  These are recipes that I want to remember.  These recipes are for amazing food that either I or a family member or friend has made.  I am in love with Jamie Oliver’s “Jamie Does…” cookbook.  Combined with my desire to find 5 vegetable dishes that my husband will eat, we tried a variation of his smashed chickpeas last night.  Combined with a broiled salmon that I free-styled, we had a wonderful dinner.  Both were awesome and I wanted to write the recipes down- they are both keepers.  

The notebook is red, with a textured cover.  It has an elastic and lined pages.  For the longest time, I collected these recipes in a folder or pinned to my bulletin board.  When I bought the notebook three years ago, I just wanted to have a place to put all the recipes.  I thought briefly about just taping the recipes on their own page, but discarded the idea, because when this notebook gets passed down to my son (or another yet to be conceived child), I want him to see my handwriting. 

One day, I am going to die.  If I have done my job right, he will still be alive.  I hope that he is a grown man, with a wife and family.  And I want him to hold this book his hands and touch the lines of cursive script.  I want him to think about the wood-paneled walls of the kitchen in the grey house that we lived in Tallahassee.  I want him to remember the happy occasions when we had smashed chickpeas, corn chowder or Hahn brownies.  

I want him to prepare these dishes when he misses me. 

This post was originally published at Go Mighty.  

Resolving to resolve...

So, I don't really know what makes a good list of resolutions.  I have a friend who set the bar real low, like learning how to spell the word inconvenient.  You actually didn't see this, but I misspelled it, before I corrected it.  So maybe that is the way to go.  I always have big goals and big plans for the new year.  I always think that I am going to accomplish big things- rarely do I.

I know that goal setting should be measurable and doable.  Maggie Mason has some great ideas on goals... like recognizing umbrella goals.  Lumping and grouping.  I am a huge proponent of life list items- but I feel like these are more concrete... I think that by attempting to accomplish items off my life list, I will be adding to the broader vaguer items that are on my resolutions list.

What's more, is that I am feeling discontent.  I hope this isn't just amped up from the time of year, whereby I am longing for the end of the soccer season (when I get my personal life back), or maybe it is the winter, and I am feeling the desire for rebirth and regrowth.  Or maybe it's because we just got through Christmas and I realized how much stuff we got, little of it we actually needed.

Here is what I know:

1.  I have a closet full of clothes that I don't wear.  I tend to wear the same 8-10 pieces every week or every other week.  Between my dresser and my closet, I sometimes have a difficult time finding stuff to wear to work. And I don't like most of it.  I am a grown-ass woman with a PhD, I should not hang onto clothes I don't like for ____ reason.

What's more, is that I do this with a lot of stuff.  Our home office is not a place where I feel like I can work.  Because my desk is in a high traffic area, it serves as a collection point for a myriad of toys, chargers, mail, newspapers, etc.  It just does not work for me.  Further, I have writing stuff, craft stuff, sewing stuff, Nico's toys, kitchen stuff, where I have gotten out of the habit of having it well organized and pared down.  So, naturally when I go to do ____ activity, I have to spend time clearing space, getting organized.  It's crazy.  I feel like I am six months away from an episode of hoarders.

2.  For years, I have made the resolution of getting down to my college sport weight (CSW).  And every year, I push that idea to the back burner.  Especially when I wasn't getting results.  No time for the gym.  Can't go for a walk.  The excuses are endless.  I experimented with an eating plan back in the fall, and I got results.  It was based on some research that I have been doing about the pros and cons of different diet plans.  Once I got my head intellectually around it, some weight came off relatively easily. So now that I know what works for my body and how to get results out of it, I think I am in a better place than I had been before.  Also, several of my Life List Items include physical feats: do 10 pull-ups, run the 7 Mile Bridge Run, Run Every Day in a year.  If I make a plan of trying to knock out some of these life list items, I can reach my CSW resolution.

3.  I have the great misfortune of being someone who can exist without sleep.  Not well.  But I can.  And because I can, I often save, as a backup, the option to pull an all-nighter.  Like an overachieving undergrad.  Seriously.  The problem with being someone who works through the night, is that I use it as my fall back plan.  So if I have procrastinated or put off doing something, I stay up all night the night or two nights before it is due and get it done.

The latent result is that I can be a grumpy b!tch when I don't get enough sleep.  This pattern of self-abuse isn't so bad, except when it becomes manifest, like when I stop taking daily showers to taking every other day showers (yeah, I know, it's gross, I am working on it).   I will stop wearing make up.  Stop doing my eyebrows, coloring my hair.  And that is all fine and good.  Maybe as a working mother, I don't deserve to look super cute all the time.  But I feel it, when I get run down like that.  I feel haggard and stressed and old.  I feel grumpy and so much older than my 33 years.

So understanding these three principles, here is what I resolve to do this year:
1. I will build a better/closer relationship with my husband and my son.
2. I will contribute to personal and household savings every month.
3. I will take better care of me.
4. I will get down to my college sport weight.
5. Get a new job.
6. Blog more (son blog, WHS blog, life list).
7. Photoblog for 1 year.
8. Cleaner/less cluttered home.
9. Project Life 2012, 2011, 2010, 2003-2009, Nico.
10.  Completely outline idea for novel.
11. Do yoga 26 times in 2013.
12. Read 12 books on relationships.
13. Read 12 books on parenting.

So there it is- 13 resolutions for the year 2013.  Let's see how this goes.

The Cut

So, my life list is starting to get unwieldly.  I have decided that I am going to set December 31st as a cut point and not add anymore items to the life list until I start knocking some of these bad boys off.  Seriously.  It's out of control.

I am looking forward to 2013, I think there are some big changes on the horizon.  The good news is that I am starting to be at peace with some uncomfortable feelings I have had about my career for a while.  I have been struggling with the space between what I want and what I think I should want, if that makes any sense.  Part of the problem is that I have always been afraid of not being in control of my own destiny.  And what I am starting to realize is that there are bigger problems in life than not having complete and total control over your own destiny.  So I am casting off preconceived notions of the way I thought the world was.  It is time to start living.  Time to really, truly, acting like I will only live once. And make it worth while. Life is too short.

More to come.

The Life List

Updated 2/5/2013
1. Finish my PhD (CHECK)

2. Learn the words to "Auld Lang Syne" and sing in a black sparkly dress on NYE.       

3. Graduate the freshmen (CHECK).

4. Spend a season in England, following Man City or Liverpool (with my kids).

5. Kayak the entire coastline of Florida (Fernadina Beach to Orange Beach)

6. Sail around the world (in one trip).

7. Hike Aunt Judy's mountain in China.

8. Drive cross country (Florida-Washington).

9. Drive up the pacific coast (Mexico to Alaska).

10. Make tenure.

11. Run every day for a year. 

12. Have a DIY wedding (CHECK). 

13. Send kids to Europe for graduation gifts.

14. Train for one year as a judoka. 

15. Live in one of the great american cities (New York, D.C., Boston, Chicago, Philadelphia)

16. Hear the Dalai Lama speak.

17. Brew my own beer.

18. Coach my kids

19. Become a badass in my field

20. Visit all 50 states.

21. Learn to sail.  

22. Learn to scuba dive.

23. Snorkel The Great Barrier Reef.

24. Take my kids to see Springsteen (LIVE).

25. See the Cubs win the World Series (LIVE).

26. Run house off of renewable energy.  

27. Learn to ice skate.  

28. Learn to play golf.

29. Take one really amazing action shot of all my kids playing their sport.  

30. Help mom with the family tree.

31. Have a mojito in Cuba.   

32. See a world cup final (Live).

33. Renovate a house.

34. Attend 20 year high school reunion. 

35. Be healthy at the end of my life.

36. Trace the land journey of my ancestors- and their migratory patterns

37. Drive from Vegas to the Pacific in a convertible.  With the top down.

38. Make quilts for my kids.

39. Hike the Appalachian Trail.

40. Spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in New York.

41. Have a white Christmas.

42. See the Grand Canyon.

43. Spend the night in a desert.

44. Learn to play “Slide” on the guitar.

45. Learn to play "Thunder Road" on the piano.  

46. Teach my kids photography.

47. Have an orchard.

48. Do New Year's Eve in Times Square.

49. Coach a team to the Championship.  (CHECK.) 

50. See Ellis Island.

51. Fill a notebook with recipes I like.   

52. Dine at the Lady and Sons in Savannah. 

53. Run Tallahassee President's Day Marathon. 

54. Go to "Terra del Fuego".

55. Go to the Grand Teton Music Festival

56. Go on a safari.

57. Get down to 170 lbs.       

58. Set foot on all seven continents.

59. Kayak with the whales in Alaska.

60. Spend a summer on Lake Michigan (in the UP?)

61. Become a good writer.

62. Win in Vegas.

63. Run a mile on the Great Wall.

64. Teach my kids how to make Egg Fondue.

65. Have one entirely DIY christmas.  

66. Run a thousand miles in one year.

67. Do the Red Hills Tri. 

68. Donate once a month to Kiva or Hieffer.  

69. Learn to take my own goal kicks. 

70. Run with the Bulls in Pamplona. 

71. Run the New York marathon.

72. Go swimming at either of the poles.

73. Go hunting for Turkeys.  

74. Take the Trans Siberian Railroad East to West.

75. Sew/make 10 items for my wardrobe.       

76. Celebrate St. Patrick's Day in Dublin. 

77. Help Nico and Dave go on trip with Mike to Japan. 

78. Run 1,000 miles in a year.

79. Take up pottery, have my own wheel. 

80. Learn letterpress.

 81. Make a quilt for mine and dave's bed. 

82.  See Cleopatra's kingdom.

83. Learn to ski. 

84. Spend a summer in the Mediterranean.

85. Watch a planetary event (eclipses, shooting stars, meteor shower, etc).

86. Practice yoga every day for a year. 

87. Learn to surf.

88. Go in the statue of liberty.

89. Visit Traverse City for the Cherry Festival.

90. See the Grand Place (in Brussels) in the spring when the flowers are blooming.

91. Run capital circle in tallahassee.

92. Own a farm. 

93. Do a color 5k. 

94. Take the Lhasa Express across China to Tibet

95. Go to India for the Holi festival.  

96. For one year, keep summer, spring, fall and winter garden.  

97. Own a sailboat. 

98. Help my kids follow their passions. 

99. Be able to take care of my parents.

100. Foster a good relationship between my kids and their grandparents

101. Run the Marathon in Greece. 

102. Spend a summer sailing around the Caribbean. 

103. See the Northern Lights. 

104. Spend a night in one of those bungalows on the water in Bora Bora.

105. Learn to start/maintain a fire. 

106. Raise my own sheep for wool.

107. Learn to spin my own yarn.

108. Take a train trip cross country.

109. Get a tattoo

110. Run in the desert. 

111. Go to a Mighty Summit.       

112. Run a half marathon near/on beach. 

113. Organize a North High Alumni game.  

114. Help kids excel in sport of choice. 

115. Hike Kilamanjaro. 

116. 100 Foods Blog. 

117.  Raise my own chickens. 

118.  Sail the intercoastal down the eastern coast of the US. 

119.  Go ice fishing.       

120.  Make every recipe in The Frugal Gourmet. 

121.  Read the Harry Potter series with my kids.

122.  Go Ceynote diving in Mexico.      

123.  Northwestern US beer tour.  

124.  Live on a sailboat for a summer. 

125.  Journal every day for a year.

126.  Hike in Rocky Mountains.

127.  Keep a photo blog for a year. 

128.  Complete baby book for all my kids.

129.  Swim with Manatees in Crystal River.    

130.  Take kids to see Bruce Springsteen. 

131.  Learn to crochet. 

132.  Make a crazy quilt for mine and dave’s bed. 

133.  Do 10 pullups in a row. 

134.  Go on a quilting cruise. 

135.  Backpack across Europe with kids. 

136.  See the London boat race live (on the river Thames).  

137.  Learn to play tennis.  

138.  Run the 7 mile bridge (Keys)

139.  Run Williamsburg bridge (NY)

140.  Run Goldengate bridge (San Fransico).  

141.  Trip to see Cards play in Final 4 or Championship game.  

142.  Attend SXSW in Austin, Texas.

143.  Write a novel.

144.  Drink Vodka in Russia.

145.  Knit a sweater for me.  

146.  Become fluent in a foreign language- (check out life hacker post on this). 

147.  Kayak/raft/canoe ten longest rivers in US (Missouri, Mississippi, Yukon, Rio Grande, St. Lawrence, Arkansas, Colorado, Red, Brazos, Columbia).    

148.  Swim across Caloosahatchee river.

149.  Take mom to Provence and Family home in England.  

150.  Cook all the recipes in Julia Child's Mastering French Cooking.

151.  Drink 12 different wines (CHECK). 

152.  Blog every day for a year. 

153.  Light a lattern (and set it loose in Thailand).  

154.  Drink 10 different scotches. 

155.  Really snowboard.

156.  Get licensed to own a gun (and own one).      

157.  Do tough mudder run. 

158.  Learn how to put my hair in five hair styles that are not buns or ponys.  

159.  Learn to ride again. 

160.  Coach a 3-peat team (CHECK).  
161.  Run Nike Women's Marathon.  
162.  Do 40 acts of kindness the week I turn 40. 
163.  Send kids abroad for 6 months-1 year, while they are in high school.  
164.  Soccer blog/website.  
165.  Attend an event to hear a president speak.  
166.  Make a Christmas tree skirt.  
167.  Learn Bayes Models.  
168.  Cook all the recipes in "Jamie Does..."